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Shilo, Bye-Tho

Like many, I have currently found myself with far more solo play-time than I would like. There’s nothing worse than realizing your play partners actually owned a lot of those super cool dildos you enjoyed without thought or worry, pre-pandemic. So as I found myself listlessly staring at my mostly empty toy drawer, I made up my mind: I was going to own all the toys. Me! I would have so many gadgets and gizmos for my holes, it would be almost necessary to make an annoying parody of that Little Mermaid song. I hummed as I made my way to the computer in the other room. A girl can dream big, but I also had to start somewhere.


I called up my lady friend and asked after the lovely blue and green swirly dildo she had *ahem* made (rough/passionate) love to me with until I was a melted mess of orgasms on the floor of her dimly lit bedroom. The name was Shilo, it was a pack and play by New York Toy Collective. With a quick happy clap of my soon to be dildo filled hands, I smiled and pulled it up as we were still talking on facetime. Jesus. Of course, this is the one, at $145 I might have cringed…just a little. No one would be using it on me after all…would I like it as much solo, without the expertise of my lover? Then I remembered that head, and how important it was to mindfully invest my money in companies that offer so much to those in need of these important forms of gender expression, how little warm-up I need to insert its bendable goodness, it’s for the greater good of so many that I love... This is the only choice... And before I knew it Shilo was in my cart, and on it’s way to my impatiently waiting vagina.


As luck would have it, my highly anticipated package arrived when I was laid up on my period with a severe bout of endometriosis cramps. In an oversized, hole covered band t-shirt I situated myself in my bed, my freshly delivered packaging from She Vibe scattered about unceremoniously- I sadly squished my new toy.  Unlike the beloved Shilo the first, I went with the bright pink & blue version, and OooOooo was it pretty. With a final squish for good measure, I carefully placed Shilo II back in the box where I could be excited about it later- much later.


My mother (being an incredibly lovely human being) brought me a smoothie, and a little much-appreciated company early that evening.  We mostly chatted about silly stuff her 4 dogs were doing, until I needed to lay back down in a more cozy position. Being far kinder, and far more helpful than I deserve she thought she would gather some of my trash that was sprinkled about in the form of tissues, half drank tea, and the like. With my eyes closed, I nuzzled into my heating pad and half-heartedly told her not to bother, knowing she would do it anyway, and there was just no point trying to stop her. In my fog of pain, the dildo didn’t even cross my mind. While I would typically be hyper-paranoid about that sort of thing, somehow not once did Shilo II enter into my thought space. It wasn’t even floating on the surface of my subconscious with the rest of the faery dust nonsense that lives there.  In fact, it wasn’t until much later that evening, that I even thought about my new toy again. I was texting my co-blogger Bear (as is standard for most times of day), and she was excitedly telling me about her new toy that had finally been dropped off by FedEx, after it showing “in transit” for 3 days. This reminded me of my own recent acquisition, and I of course had to send pictures immediately. But where was Shilo the second?! Initially, I wasn’t worried as I lifted and moved things looking for my seemingly misplaced toy.  I have a habit of putting things in odd places when I’m like this- phone in the fridge type of thing, so there was really no cause for alarm. I didn’t start to get flustered until I realized I didn’t see the plain brown my Shilo II had arrived in. I ran to my trash, but it was completely empty.  With slight disbelief, I slowly realized what must have happened. My mother had unknowingly thrown away my 145 dollar dildo. Shilo II…I barely even got a good squish in with my hands, and you were gone.  I sighed deeply and sent out two texts: one to Bear, and one to my Mom.


Bear:

This is not a test, Shilo is gone. I didn’t even get a picture *sobs* it’s in a trash dump somewhere without even so much as a test drive. IS THIS REAL LIFE?! (Betrayal! She was very unsympathetic)

Mom:

Thanks for everything you do, that you definitely don’t have to. I appreciate you so much and love you times a million.

Whelp. I am $145 in the hole, one less toy for my holes, and no review on the beautiful pink & blue Shilo for now, BUT I pretty much have a super fantastic Mom that I am eternally grateful for. . . which by my estimation takes away all complaining rights. So I guess the summary of the story is: My toy stash jar is empty, but my heart is full AF.  Am I really going to force a moral out of a dildo story? Yes. Appreciate the toys and people you have in your life. Everything is fleeting. 



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